


Secret Love Song

by FallOutStucky



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Sad, Secret Relationship, Secrets
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-07
Updated: 2019-02-07
Packaged: 2019-10-24 03:52:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17697134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FallOutStucky/pseuds/FallOutStucky
Summary: Sehun can't take it any longer.But neither can Chanyeol.(Inspired by Little Mix's Secret Love Song)





	Secret Love Song

**Author's Note:**

> I have no explanation for this...
> 
> Well actually I do, I was having a really bad week and listened to this song and then I kinda tried coping with it by writing this. I recommend you listen to the song while or before reading it, it's really good and brings you into the right mood for this.
> 
> (Listen to this version: https://open.spotify.com/track/2BnjU9TqIovk0IQ7jJaA4z?si=Vd7WuxJvSduSPEGJzjzRyA )

_We keep behind closed doors._  

This should have been his night, their night. It's only their debut as a sub-unit, but they are already nominated for album of the year award. It's also the first time he's attending one of these without the rest of his members, which is weird yeah … but that's not the only thing making him uneasy.  
He never liked award shows. Too many people, too many cameras, too much pressure to win. But this one is particularly terrible. Sehun wouldn't hesitate to call it the worst night of his life.  
Chanyeol was there though. And normally when Chanyeol was there with him, everything is okay. Normally he felt safe, loved. But not today.

_Every time I see you I die a little more._

Today every single gaze he shot Chanyeol's way felt like a million daggers being stabbed right through his heart. It took his breath away and he couldn't think anymore. He loved him so much, so, so much that it hurt. Hurt that he couldn't hold him, couldn't touch him. He just wanted to touch him, hold his hand and relish in the comfort only Chanyeol could give him. He wasn't even nervous whether they will win their award or not. He didn't care.

He was used to his heart stumbling over itself whenever Chanyeol was all dressed up for stuff like this. Form fitting suits, slicked back hair and that ever so charming smile. It managed to take Sehun's breath away, raising excitement for later than they would return to their home and Sehun gets what's under all that perfection all for himself. But not today.

_Stolen moments that we steal as the curtain falls._

"This will never be enough." Sehun wanted to say it out loud. Wanted Chanyeol to hear it. But he couldn't. He didn't want him to be hurt. Everything but that. He'd rather die of the heartache than have Chanyeol hurt even more than he did already. Of course, none of that was Chanyeol's fault. It was the fault of this sick, dumb system not allowing them to be together. Forcing them to stay hidden. He couldn't blame Chanyeol for that.

The older was trying to hold small talk with the other people sitting at their table. Sehun knew what he was doing, that he was trying to suppress his feelings and thoughts. Sehun admired him for that ability. He couldn't do that, he'll never get the thoughts out of his head. It's only been a week since their manager had called them into his office. Apparently, the company was really happy with how their unit was doing but they wanted more, wanted to impose them to a bigger audience. A dating scandal. That's what they wanted. And who would be better for that when K-Pop's golden boy, the perfect man and boyfriend. Park Chanyeol.  
Sehun had almost screamed at them. Would have wanted to so badly. Wanted to yell and throw stuff around and ask them how they even came up with something like that. But he did nothing like that. He had just sat there, kept his mouth shut and listened as they explained to Chanyeol how he should announce that he's dating Gfriend's Sowon during the upcoming award show. It was all already planned out, confirmed with their entertainment company. There was no going back now.  
Sehun felt himself turn colder and colder with every word. Chanyeol hadn't said a word, just nodded to everything. After they got back home, he had closed himself off in his room, letting no one in. Not even him. Especially not him. Sehun had sat outside his door, waiting, silent tears falling down his cheeks as he felt his heart break apart.

_I can't stop these silent tears from falling down._

Only three more awards before Chanyeol was due to get the one for his collaboration with Zico. The one they already know he had won, the one where he was sure to hold a speech, the one where he needed to hold his speech and tell the whole world that he was dating Kim Sojung. Sehun felt like crying.  
He wanted Chanyeol so badly. Wanted to hold him, kiss him, make him feel loved. He wanted to feel Chanyeol's hands on his skin, feel like he belonged to him only. Even if it was only possible behind closed doors. If it had to be like that in order for him to be with Chanyeol, then so be it. It was okay. Until it was not. Something had changed. Even before all that, they had started arguing more often than before. Sehun hated to hide them away. Chanyeol did too but he was more responsible. Always thinking about the consequences. He meant well, he had only Sehun's future in mind, didn't think he was worth for Sehun to risk everything for.

But he was. Oh god he was.

_You and I both have to hide, on the outside where I can't be yours and you can't be mine._

In public Sehun had to make believe that him and Chanyeol were nothing but friends. It was hard. Whenever he saw someone getting a bit closer to Chanyeol than necessary, whenever someone would start flirting with him, he wanted nothing more than tell them to keep their hands of his man. That was one of the main reasons why Sehun hated going out. Be it music shows, award shows or god knows what. He didn't like it when people watched Chanyeol with their longing eyes, thinking they could have him. When in reality they couldn't. When in reality he was Sehun's. And only Sehun's.

That's why he liked to stay inside. Where it was just the two of them. Where Chanyeol's beauty was only for Sehun to admire and his soft, warm skin only for Sehun to touch. Those moments were Sehun's safe haven. When Chanyeol would envelop him into his love, sharing the softest kisses. A taste, a feeling only Sehun got to experience.

Sehun took another big sip from his champagne glass. It didn't wash away the bitter taste in his mouth.

_Why can't I hold you in the street, why can't I kiss you on the dance floor._

Over time, he had developed a stoic mask to present to the public. Too scared to show how he was really feeling. But it was harder and harder to keep up his facade the longer this night was going on. He couldn't help but glance at Sojung occasionally. She didn't seem too happy about the whole situation either. Sehun didn't blame her, she never asked to be dragged into this mess. He had met her before, she's a nice girl and Sehun would be lying if he said he didn't like her. She just didn't fit Chanyeol. She was too confident. Chanyeol was too soft. Everyone could see how it made no sense… but maybe that was just Sehun's biased opinion of it all.

He avoided his gaze not wanting to draw any attention on him. Instead, his eyes automatically clue themselves to the side of Chanyeol's face. He was still talking to Siwon, pretending that everything was okay.

Oh, what would he give to feel Chanyeol's hand squeeze his thigh reassuringly like he always did. But not today. Today the older's nerves were probably even worse than Sehun's. The whole day he hadn't looked Sehun's way even once. Sehun knows that it is because he doesn't want to see the hurt in Sehun's eyes. Chanyeol had told him that, two days ago, when Sehun had confronted him for avoiding him all week ever since they came back from their manager.  
They had yelled at each other and Sehun had started crying and then Chanyeol had made love to him sweeter and more caring than ever before. Holding him as if he was the most fragile, most precious thing in the whole world. And Sehun had cried some more.

He took another glass of champagne from the trey a passing waiter was carrying. Maybe the alcohol could help him numb the stinging feeling in his heart.

_I wish that it could be like that, why can't it be like that?_

He could practically feel the minutes pass. Every second the strain on his shoulders worsened. He had finished both his glasses of champagne and switched to the one besides his. It was probably Chanyeol, or Siwon's or Hyukjae's. He didn't care. The champagne helped him pretend that the hot feeling in his face was from the alcohol not from the anger. He didn't want to be there. Anywhere but there. All in him screamed at him to just take Chanyeol's arm and drag him out of there. Hug him tightly, kiss him and tell him that everything was going to be okay. He wanted to be alone with him, so that no one could see them. Take him somewhere where they were safe. Safe to be themselves. He felt as if he had to rescue Chanyeol from this, save him from hurting himself while trying not to hurt Sehun.

He understood it now. And what he understood knocked the air out of him. He understood why Chanyeol had never talked up against their manager, why he hadn't talked to Sehun. Why he had kissed him this morning as if it was the last time. He wanted to let Sehun go. He wanted him to have his freedom, to give him the chance to someday love freely and without fear. Sometimes Sehun thought that Chanyeol loved him even more than Sehun loved him. Sehun could never be this selfless, this self-destructive.

They called out the winner and Sehun's heart just stopped when he heard Chanyeol's name being called out.

_Why can't I say that I'm in love?_

When he stood up Chanyeol's eyes automatically went towards Sehun, as they always did. Looking for love and support. But for the first time he didn't find that. All he found were eyes glistening from unshed tears, lips quivering from unsaid words and cheeks red from too much champagne. All he found was pain and a broken heart.

Chanyeol still smiled down at him but it was strained, laced through with anxiety. He was barely holding up and Sehun was sure that if he looked down now, he could see Chanyeol's hands trembling in fear. The short distance between them was already too much for Sehun. It pained him that he wasn't able to reach out and pull Chanyeol closer, hug him tightly until all the sorrows were flown away.

 _It's obvious you're meant for me. Every piece_ _of you, it just fit's perfectly._

When Chanyeol walked up on stage with hesitant, slow steps, to take the award, Sehun held his breath. Their fans were screaming, yelling Chanyeol's name and Sehun, as if on auto pilot, started clapping along. The woman in the golden dress handed Chanyeol his award and he took a deep bow towards her and then towards the audience. He waited for a few seconds, gathering his thoughts, knowing full well that all cameras would be on him as soon as he came back up. Even the smallest error in his cheerful mask would be broadcast on two gigantic screens. He couldn't effort even the tiniest slip-up. All of that wasn't evident to the general audience but Sehun knew it, felt it as if Chanyeol's fears, his feelings were his own.

Chanyeol blinked a few times before he stepped towards the microphone to hold his speech. His steps were slower than usual, and his smile forced. Again, Sehun didn't think anyone noticed but him. No one knew him that well.

_Every second, every thought I'm in so deep but I'll never show it on my face._

"Where do you think you're going?"

Donghae got a hold of Sehun's arm and dragged him back to their table. He had just stood up before Chanyeol could even utter his first thank you. The panic of hearing Chanyeol's speech had overcome him and he needed to leave. Or get more alcohol, whichever one was easier.

Sehun is somehow thankful for Donghae, he really shouldn't drink any more. It will only make him feel worse.

Sehun's lips were trembling as he spoke, the urge to cry prominent in his voice with every word.

"I can't hyung. I… I just can't."

Donghae was one of Sehun's best friends, one of the view people outside their group who knew. And Donghae was probably the only person who could understand what Sehun was going through at that moment. He too had to hide his love away.

"I know", he said. "Believe me, I know."

He rubbed Sehun's shoulder in comfort. Donghae lead him to the seat, keeping an arm around the younger's shoulders.

"Be strong. For him. He needs you here", he mumbled, so no one else could hear. Siwon still shot him a sympathetic look when Sehun met his gaze. But that was okay. With Siwon too it was understanding not pity.

Sehun nodded at Donghae, trying to keep his tears in as he looked up to the stage again, where Chanyeol was standing in all his elegant glory. Unsure eyes scanning the whole room as if searching for support. When his gaze found Sehun's he tried to smile. Sehun couldn't help the single tear that rolled down his cheek.

"Why didn't you and Hyukjae hyung have to go through this?", he asked, desperately almost angry, not looking away from Chanyeol even once.

"Oh, believe me, they wanted us to do that but Siwon has basically taken over our management and he fought for us. It sometimes helps to have three hearts beating for something instead of only two…"

Sehun didn't listen to the rest of Donghae's elaboration, his attention drawn towards the stage. Chanyeol was now finished with thanking their company and members, which meant the hurtful part was about to come up. Donghae seemed to notice too because he suddenly just stopped talking.

_I don't wanna live life this way, I don't wanna hide us away._

"…and especially I…", Chanyeol's voice broke and Sehun let out a small gasp. He never thought about the possibility of Chanyeol not being able to go through with it. For him Chanyeol had always been this super strong guy, unable to be dragged down by something. He could do everything without exception, could do everything for himself and Sehun. Would this be the thing that broke him? Did his love for Sehun really have that much power over him?  
It took a few seconds and the increasing murmur of the audience before Chanyeol caught himself again. The words still came out only hesitantly.

"I… want to thank someone… who's very special to me, for… for being my endless support..."

When Chanyeol's eyes suddenly locked with Sehun's the younger's heart completely stopped. The other had stopped talking and was now only staring at Sehun. What was he doing? This was the part where he should thank Sowon for always being there for him and loving him. Sehun knew that, knew the speech by heart by now, probably better than Chanyeol himself. It was like some terrible, disgusting song you just couldn't get out of your head. But instead Chanyeol just stared at him and it felt a lot heavier than the hundreds of pairs of eyes which were also slowly turning to look at Sehun. Next to him he could feel Donghae rub his arm soothingly. It did absolutely nothing to calm Sehun down.  
His breathing hitched as Chanyeol spoke up again. Just one word.

"Sehunnie…"

_I wonder if it ever will change, I'm living for that day, someday._

"…I'm sorry." He looked at their managers and then at Sojung, then his eyes went straight back to Sehun. The two gigantic screens showed every single thought he was having to an audience of thousands of people, his face showing real emotions for the first time that evening. "I'm sorry but I can't do this anymore. I know this isn't exactly how I wanted too… what I was supposed to … but I… I can't take this anymore. I won't be able to hide any longer. I'm sorry, please don't hate me."

At first Sehun had thought that he was addressing the audience, their fans. But no, he wasn't, instead he was only talking to Sehun as if all the others didn't exist.  
Sehun felt a sob rip out from his throat, followed by another one. How could Chanyeol ever think that he could hate him? Sehun loved him so much, at that moment probably even more than ever before. He never ever could hate Chanyeol, especially not for this. If this was how he wanted to do it then Sehun would stand with him, support him and take all the possible consequences. He had already long ago decided that nothing else mattered as long as Chanyeol was his.

"You were always by my side…", Chanyeol started again. “Supporting me, helping me. And for that I am eternally thankful…but that's not it. I… know it's not easy, l… loving me... the situation we're in isn't easy…it wasn't our choice to fall in love with each other but we couldn't do anything against it and I honestly don't want to….so now I'm standing here right now, wanting to tell the world how much I love you. I don't want to hide you anymore...I can't. You're my co-member, my best friend, my better half, my boyfriend, the great love of my life and I'm tired of not being able to tell anyone about that..." He took a deep breath, realization coming over him, but he didn't back down now.

When Chanyeol stepped away from the microphone and began making his way down the stage, with thousands of eyes on him, Sehun automatically stood up. He took a step away from the table so that he was now standing directly between the table and Chanyeol.

_When you hold me in the streets and you kiss me on the dance floor and we can be like that._

With every step Chanyeol took towards him, Sehun's heart beat faster. The whole arena was silent around them, watching Chanyeol's every move in anticipation. Sehun's hands began to shake and he suddenly had the urge to run away, scared of what might happen next. He was scared that the consequences of this were too much and that they would drive them apart. Scared of what was about to happen. But then Chanyeol was in front of him. He came to a stop only centimetres in front of Sehun and smiled down at him. This time his smile was real, honest, and so damn bright. It was that smile that Sehun had first fallen in love with.  
Chanyeol took Sehun's hand in his own and it stopped shaking immediately.

"What are you doing?", he whispered but couldn't help but smile back. It was then that he realised that he had started crying. Chanyeol's free hand came up to cup Sehun's cheek and the younger forgot everything else around them. A thumb, slightly rough from years of playing guitar, wiped his tears away as Chanyeol spoke with a soft, warm voice.

"The right thing." With that he leaned forward and captured Sehun's lips with his own. The first kiss was short, tender. Sehun could hear gasps around them but he found that he didn't care.

"I love you", Chanyeol mumbled. Cupping both of Sehun's cheeks and pushing his hair out of his face.

"You hear me? I love you", he repeated, accentuating every word. Before he leaned in again. This time Chanyeol didn't hold back. He wanted to show the whole world what was his. Sehun was too focused on Chanyeol's mouth on his, his warm soft lips caressing his own, to realise that suddenly somewhere behind them someone had started to cheer. And just like that, like a spreading wild fire, everything erupted in cheers around them.

"I love you", Chanyeol said for the third time then, his lips brushing Sehun's with every word.

Sehun almost couldn't see him through his tears but he still nodded. "I love you, too."

"I know", Chanyeol said. "Everything's going to be okay now." There were tears in his eyes too, Sehun noticed now, but they weren't tears of pain, they were tears of happiness.

"It's okay." The tears were streaming down Sehun's cheeks too. He can't stop them. Had for too long already. "It's okay", Chanyeol repeated, kissing him again and Sehun wanted to believe.

"Chanyeol…" His voice was broken, his lips involuntarily chasing after Chanyeol's when their mouths disconnected gain.

But Chanyeol was smiling, so wide, so bright, so full of love.

"It's okay. I don't care about consequences. I don't care about what other's think, I don't care that I might have ruined our careers with that. I only care about you. No awards, no records, no fans, no reputation, nothing can compete with you. Understand? Your happiness and you being with me is the only important thing for me. I love you."

Sehun nodded. He didn't have anything to add but…

"I love you too."

_Cause I am yours._


End file.
